This morning, I ended it with a guy i'd been seeing for the past 3 weeks. In the cold hearted bitch way I usually end things and it got me thinking.
Who the fuck do I think I am?
There are 2 reasons I ended things. First, he had no ambition, no long term plans, no life goals, no dreams. He didn't go to school after being done high school and as of now, has no plans to go back. This is a major problem, because i'm the kind of person that has a lot of plans for the future, and it's something I think about a lot, even though i'm a lazy asshole who is a bigger talker than doer. That being said, I need something who has goals, and who's motivated, because then it'll help me motivate myself to get off tha couch and do something, make things happen. I don't need someone else to do this mind you, but I think it would kinda help, 2 motivated people together can make a lot of shit happen!
The second reason, I thought i was better than him. The reason I think this way is simple, I was able to narrow it down to this; the way I see myself, the person who I fool myself into thinking that I am, is the person I want to be, and not the person I truly am at this moment. For all we know, I might end up being that person in the long run, but right now, i'm not that person, so I should stop thinking that way and just accept that I just finished college, and am currently unemployed. I'm not this big shot creative mastermind that I'd like to be. Dating someone who works in a call center shouldn't feel like i'm dating below my class. (Yeah I just said that).
Another thing that's been bothering me for the past couple years is the fact that I compare every guy I meet to the guys I'd like to be dating. There's 4 guys in this city that's i'm secretly in love with, do I know these guys personally, not really, do they know that I exist, maybe. But that's not really the point, those guys are my ideals, the people i'd like to be with, the people i'd like to date. Every guy I meet, every date I go on, i'm subjecting these people to comparisons with those 4 guys, and it's not really fair, but that's how I work.
Of course, I would never have the courage to approach those 4 guys and ask them out, or tell them how I feel, and hell we might not even be compatible, but i'll never truly be able to find out. And even though I know next to nothing about these men, and they know nothing about me, they still rule my dating life. The little I know about these guys is that they're smart, and they're interested in the things i'm interested in, and to me, they seem to have everything going for them, and they look like they're going places, wich I am not. That being said, the guys I meet and the guys I date don't really have any of the same interests as me, that might be because I don't date people that i'm interested in, I date people that are interested in me. There's a difference! It's much safer to date someone who's interested in you, than someone who you're interested in, the potential for rejection is much smaller.
And that's what it all comes down to: rejection. The fear of it, the idea of it and the all consuming nature of it. I don't approach guys who i'm interested in because i'm afraid of being rejected, and the guys who I date that are interested in me, I end up dumping before anything concrete happens, for fear that i'll get attached and subsequently rejected later on.
Oh life! It's a magical thing!
